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Episode 609:Adam Sandler transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: on Door 9 Times "(Guest Star's name), oh (Guest Star's name), 78 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's last name)." Guest Star: "Well thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'm also thrilled to do a trivia game show party with you guys." Kermit appears right through The Muppet Show logo...... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Adam Sandler, yaaaaaay!" [The Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Music Resumes Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: 'why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues Playing Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show. Of Game Show Dinger Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, I know all of you are very excited, 'cause tonight's very special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's been in Click, Billy Madison, Hotel Transylvania and Hotel Transylvania 2, but 1st, it's time for an opening musical number." Opening Musical #: I Will Always Love You Miss Piggy: If I should stay I would only be in your way so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way and I will always love you I will always love you you, my darling, you Continues On Karaoke Machine Rizzo: bittasweet memories (spoken) “Of wo’king at de luncheon counta." dat is all I'm takin’ with me Floyd: 'so goodbye, please, don't cry we both know I'm not what you, you need Gonzo: and I will always love you I will always love you solo Robin: I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you've dreamed of' and I wish to you, joy and happiness but above all this, I wish you love Scooter: and I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I will always love you I, I will always love you Janice: 'you, darling, I love you oh I'll always, I'll always love you……. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "You know what I'll always love?" Statler: "What's that, Waldorf?" Waldorf: "A real good fancy house party." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Now let's see what's next on the list? oh, Bear On Patrol is next, Bear On Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear On Patrol sketch #: Pulling down the fire alarm Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear On Patrol." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Alright, here we go, right this way, please." Gonzo: "But I didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't even me." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "What seems to be the problem, Patrol Bear?" Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "This blue alien critter has been spotted pulling down the fire alarm, which is a most serious self defense." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Oh, I see, tell me your name, please." Gonzo: "Gonzo the Great, kind sir, and I'm innocent, I would never pull down a fire alarm." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Now let me check the guilty or innocent list." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob scans his right index finger right through the innocent list and finds Gonzo's name on there. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: "Well, Gonzo, you're innocent after all, in that case, Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now." Patrol Bear/Fozzie: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Patrol Bear/Fozzie releases Gonzo from the handcuffs. Gonzo: "I'm free at last, yahoo, I'm free at last!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "And so the police officer proves the victim is innocent after all." Waldorf: "How'd he do that?" Statler: "Checking the guilty or innocent list." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Talk Spot: Kermit, the Guest Star and the others have a trivia game show about the Muppet years Guest Star: "Alright, Kermit, Walter, guys, you ready for this trivia game show?" Kermit: "Yes, of course we're prepared." Guest Star: "Good, now everybody, hands on your buzzers, and I'll read you the 1st question." Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Walter, Scooter and Rowlf put their hands/paws on their buzzers. Guest Star: "Question # 1: When was The Muppet Movie produced?" Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Kermit?" Kermit: "Friday, June 22, 1979." Guest Star: "That's correct, now on to question # 2: Where did the good classic song, ''Together Again originate?" Buzzer Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Fozzie?" Fozzie: "The Muppets Take Manhattan." Guest Star: "That's right, now on to question # 3: Where did The Great Muppet Caper take place?" Buzzer Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Gonzo?" Gonzo: "London, England." Guest Star: "Correct, now on to question # 4: when did Fraggle Rock 1st premiere on television?" Buzzer Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Walter?" Walter: "Monday, January 10, 1983." Guest Star: "Right again, now on to question # 5: Which of the following body parts is not in the Sesame Street song, Goodbye Fly?" Buzzer Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Scooter?" Scooter: "The back, which rhymes with smack." Guest Star: "That's right, now on to question # 6, the final question: how many seasons did Muppet Babies have on television?" Buzzer Sounds Guest Star: "Yes, Rowlf?" Rowlf: "8 seasons." Guest Star: "That's correct, nice job, you guys, you really know your Muppet history." At the Dance sketch # Kermit is dancing romantically with Miss Piggy, Gonzo is dancing romantically with Camilla, Floyd is dancing romantically with Janice, Wayne is dancing romantically with Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter is dancing romantically with George and Scooter is dancing romantically with Bethany, while Walter is dancing romantically with a lavender female Whatnot. Kermit: "What a good life." Miss Piggy: "Now I call this the romantic twist." Gonzo: "Tango, Camilla, tango." Floyd: "Step, right and back, step, right and back." Wayne: "Very good indeed." Wanda: "How romantically wonderful." Mildred Huxtetter: "I've never danced like this before in my entire life." George: "Neither have I, Mildred, neither have I." Scooter: "Well, Bethany, I can never take my eyes off you for good." Bethany: "Neither can I, Scooter, neither can I." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again............ Waldorf: "You know, Statler? I once went to a dance off party myself." Statler: "What kind of dance moves did you do, Waldorf?" Waldorf: "The Crazy Spin Dance!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Sam's Editorial Speech: Road Safety Sam goes right up to the podium and takes the microphone. Sam: "Good evening, fellow Americans, it is my great pleasure to give an editorial speech about road safety." Sam: Throat Sam: "Now you might've heard about road safety, always wear your seat belt and drive very slow and safe, and make sure you don't crash into any other cars, trucks, railroad trains or city buses, and that's exactly about road safety." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." ''Pigs in Space'' sketch #: Double Green Slime Splat Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaace', starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the pure talented genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "Well, it looks like another year aboard the Swine Trek." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "It sure is though." Dr. Strangepork: "I suddenly fear something terrible might happen here." Siren Wailing 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What's going on around here?" Link Hogthrob: "Well, according to my database, it appears that we're under attack by a double green slime splat." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Incoming!" Sounds Link Hogthrob: "That was really unexpected." Dr. Strangepork: "Now don't worry about it, I have my greatest invention: the Automatic Slime Remover 300." Dr. Strangepork activates the Automatic Slime Remover 300, and removes all of the green slime off the Swine Trek. Link Hogthrob: "Finally, no more green slime." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What a relief." Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever think about his actions? does 1st Mate Piggy know what to do? will Dr. Strangepork ever come up with more inventions? find out, on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." The Swedish Chef sketch #: Cheese and Tuna Melts Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng cheese-a und toona melts ." The Swedish Chef takes out some paper plates and some glass ceramic bowls and American Cheese, and places them on his counter. Swedish Chef: "Furst, poot tvu breed sleeces doon oon sume-a peper pletes." The Swedish Chef puts 2 bread slices down on some paper plates. Swedish Chef: "Next, oopee up tvu cuns ooff toona feesh veet a cun oopener, zeen dreeen zee toona veter oooot." The Swedish Chef opens 2 cans of tuna fish with a can opener, then drains the tuna water out. Swedish Chef: "Teke-a sume-a scuups ooff toona feesh reeght ooootta zee cuns und reeght intu zee gless bools." The Swedish Chef takes some scoops of tuna fish right outta the cans and right into the glass bowls. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in sume-a leeght meyunneeese-a oon zee toona feesh." The Swedish Chef puts some light mayonnaise on the tuna fish, mixes it all up, then puts it on the bottom bread slices. Swedish Chef: "Next, poot sume-a sleeces ooff Emereecun cheese-a oon zee toona feesh perts." The Swedish Chef puts some slices of American cheese on the tuna fish parts. Swedish Chef: "Und lest boot nut leest, poot zee tup breed sleeces oon tup ooff zee Emereecun cheese-a und toona feesh perts." The Swedish Chef puts the top bread slices on the American cheese and tuna fish parts. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, cheese-a und toona melts." Suddenly, the cheese and tuna melts come to life and begin going all over the place. Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.... Waldorf: "Boy, he sure is good in that kitchen." Statler; "'Til he begins to cook better in it." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''Muppet News Flash'' sketch #: Flying tennis balls Newsman: (off screen) "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman takes his place at the podium. Newsman: "Now you all might've heard about some crazy events going on in our universe, but this time, there's a swarm of flying tennis balls approaching, you'd better think fast, or you might get hit on the head by 1 of them." 1 of the flying tennis balls hits the Newsman on his head. Newsman: "Wow, I sure wish I hadn't seen 1 of those in my entire life." Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage everybody." ''Veterinarian's Hospital'' sketch #: Louis Kazagger as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs." Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "And so I went to this 1 Christmas party back in December of 2009, and when I went to get myself a nice fresh gingerbread boy and girl, they both came to life and said to me, "We're way too young to be eaten alive!." Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your gingerbread jokes." Nurse Janice/Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, who's the patient this time?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Janice, you'll just need to find out who it is." Dr. Bob/Rowlf pulls down the corner of the green quilt to reveal Louis Kazagger as the patient. Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Oh my gosh, what happened to you, Mr. Kazagger?" Louis Kazagger: "I was running around and jumping 27 miles, and I got these terrible aches and pains in my shoulders and knee caps." Nurse Janice/Janice: Oh wow, that's like, a total bummer." Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "They call it sports injuries now a days." Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever keep his medical degree and cash? does Nurse Piggy ever keep clean? will Nurse Janice ever read a magazine? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Nurse Piggy/Miss Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, what's your deal with this patient?" Dr. Bob/Rowlf: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I say he needs to be de-hydrated." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "Well, Statler, I once had a few aches and pains in my entire life." Statler: "Well? what did you take for those aches and pains?" Waldorf: "Pain killer pills!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again...... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Automatic Shower Hose Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." (Brief Pause) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our greatest invention: the Automatic Shower Hose, now this shower hose is a good idea for taking shower baths or playing in the swimming pool and sprinkler outside in your backyard, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker, will test it out." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Go ahead, Beaker, give it a go." Beaker gets his right hand at the ready, right in front of the Automatic Shower Hose. Bunsen: "Now, watch and see what happens." Beaker waves his right and at the Automatic Shower Hose, and suddenly, warm water begins spraying all over the place. Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you're looking so much wet and wild." Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today." Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "Wow, that young man is all soaking wet and wild." Statler: "Does it seem kind of fishy to you?" Waldorf: "Yes, very fishy indeed!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage....... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's now time for the closing musical number." Closing Musical #: Baba O'Riley In Background Continues In Background Kermit: Out here in the fields I fight for my meals I get my back into my living Fozzie: I don't need to fight to prove I'm right I don't need to be forgiven Gonzo: Don't cry don't raise your eye it's only teenage wasteland Rizzo: Sally take my hand we'll travel south cross land Robin: 'Put out the fire and don't look past my shoulder Lew Zealand: the exodus is here the happy 1s are near Sam: let's get together before we get much older Scooter: Teenage wasteland it's only teenage wasteland Walter: oh, oh, teenage wasteland Rowlf: they're all wasted Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again..... Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I've never seen any wastelands like that before in my entire life." Statler: "Well? how many have you seen so far?" Waldorf: "A few of them, but not too many." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Once Again Fade to another black screen....... Scene 2: The final wrap-up Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, you've been such a truly wonderful audience on our show tonight, it's been such a lovely trivia game show party for all of you here, but right before we all go, I'd like to give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaay!" The Guest Star arrives onstage. Guest Star: "Thanks, you guys, it's been such a thrilled honor having a trivia game show here this evening." Clifford: "Well, we couldn't have done it without you here." Floyd: "Yeah right, man, it's been super thrillin' havin' you onstage with all of us." Janice: "Really true indeed." Wayne: "I always enjoyed watching trivia game shows myself." Wanda: "So did I." Mildred Huxtetter: "It's been such a lovely show indeed." Kermit: "Anyway, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Voice Performers Credits Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Matt Vogel Bill Barretta David Rudman Peter Linz Alice Dinnean Vernon Tyler Bunch Cut back to in the main lobby. Sweetums: "You know something, Bean?" Bean: "What's that?" Sweetums: "We could really go for a good ice cream break just now." Bean: "Yeah, right, that'll be a good idea." Category:Transcripts Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts